He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
by Jo. R
Summary: Mixed signals and the aftermath of a failed attempt at starting something. Sam/Jack, set in an alternate S9.


Title: He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not  
Author: Jo. R  
Rating: 13  
Category: Sam/Jack UST/RST/Angst, Angst, Drama.  
Spoilers: Speculation on character history related to 'The First Commandment', Mild for 'Threads'  
Summary: Mixed signals and the aftermath of a failed attempt at starting something.  
Disclaimer: The characters mentioned within are not mine, nor are most of the places. Please don't sue; I'm struggling financially as it is.  
Authors Notes: It's a bit soap opera-ish but let's face it, so are several other storylines I could mention. Written sometime after 'Threads' originally aired, it's been sitting gathering dust on my harddrive since then.

* * *

We need to talk.

This isn't working out.

It isn't you, it's me.

I need a break, some time to myself.

I think we would work better as friends.

I value your friendship too much to lose you over this.

Let's still be friends.

Breaking up was the worst part of any relationship but, in her opinion, it was inevitable. Knowing it was going to someday happen didn't make it hurt any less or make the pain fade quicker but at least she expected it. At least she had the advantage of being able to prepare herself for when the moment came.

Sometimes, like this time, she even got the chance to suggest they end the relationship first. Not that it helped at all, but it made her feel like less of a failure.

It made her feel like she still had some control over the situation when really she had none.

Being the one to end it didn't stop her heart from aching or the tears from stinging her eyes. It didn't make it any easier to sleep alone in bed that first night, or the night after, or the night after that.

"We need to talk. This isn't working." She rattled off the empty excuses that came to mind, running her fingertip over the rim of her wine glass. "I know it's not you, it's me. It's the long distance thing." She shrugged and glanced up from the glass, quickly averting her gaze at the neutral expression on his face. "I don't want to lose our friendship and I think that's what's going to happen if we keep trying to make this work."

"Sam…"

"I really don't want to lose you because this didn't work out, because we didn't work out," she rushed on, ignoring his voice. "Travelling between Colorado and DC is exhausting and we'll end up resenting it and taking it out on each other and…"

"Carter."

"It isn't fair on Daniel and Teal'c and Cassie," she finished quietly, lifting her eyes again. She watched him blink, digest the final blow. "It isn't just about us, Jack. It affects them, too."

For the longest eight minutes of her life, they just stared at one another. She forced herself to maintain the contact and tried to silence the little voice in the back of her head pleading with him to say something to prove her wrong, praying that he would tell her he didn't want to end the relationship no matter what she thought.

"I think you're right."

The answer that came eventually made the bottom fall from her world as the ceiling collapsed from above.

She had expected it, been expecting it since the tired phone call telling her he couldn't make it back to Colorado for the weekend with the other woman's voice in the background.

Still. It hurt.

She nodded and looked down again, trying to focus on the table cloth through the tears that stung her eyes. She couldn't cry in front of him. Not over this. It was pathetic and weak and it wasn't her.

It wasn't perfect.

She wasn't perfect. Not nearly as perfect as he had wanted, had expected, her to be.

"It's for the best," he continued, the husky quality to his voice making it harder to contain her emotions. "If we continue and it doesn't work out…" She didn't have to look up to know he shrugged. She knew him well, maybe too well. "Well, it wouldn't be fair on the guys. And Cassie. You're right. It's been tough enough on her over the last few years…"

"Exactly." Her voice sounded hollow even to her own ears but she forced herself to look up and gave him a watery smile. "But we can still be friends."

Even as she said it she knew she was lying but it was worth it, worth the illusion, worth the false hope, just to see the warmth burn momentarily in his eyes, just to have him reach across the table and cover her hand with his own.

"We'll always be friends, Carter," he murmured, his voice hoarse. "Nothing's going to change that."

She dropped her gaze back down but turned her hand over in his, lacing their fingers together. Relishing the physical contact.

If she had glanced up again, just once, she would have seen the tears in his own eyes. The hope on his face that maybe, just maybe, one day she would change her mind.

* * *

It was awkward to say the least but they both put in the effort. Jack's visits to Colorado Springs became less and less frequent but one the weekends he managed to visit, the old SG-1 would make the effort to get together, inviting Cassandra Fraiser whenever the young adult could make the short trip from the college campus she lived on to General O'Neill's less-than-part-time house.

"It's been too long," Daniel Jackson told Jack with a grin, raising his third bottle of beer in a not-entirely-sober salute. "You should come back more often," he continued enthusiastically, moving the bottle through the air with a little too much energy as Jack winced, watching the beer slosh over the rim, through the air, onto his couch. "I know it's weird now you and Sam… Hey, Sam!"

The woman in question winced, mimicking her former lover, as she and Cassandra entered the house without knocking. "Hi, Daniel. You guys started without us, I see?"

Daniel grinned at her and patted the seat beside him. "Just one or two beers, nothing much."

"Try three," Jack muttered, getting up as Sam and Cassie moved further into the room. "Can I get either of you a drink…?"

"Diet coke, please." Cassandra flopped down into the seat beside Daniel and cuddled into his side. "Hi, Daniel."

"Hi, Cass." The archaeologist threw a companionable arm around her shoulders and hugged her. "How's the boyfriend?"

"Daniel!"

The teenager's embarrassed squeal made Sam smile as she automatically followed Jack into the kitchen, leaning against the bench as he busied himself getting a beer for himself and two diet cokes for the newest arrivals.

"She looks well," he commented quietly, moving to stand beside her as he offered her her drink, standing a little bit closer than was necessary.

Sam gave him a small smile and took the glass, her gaze dipping as their fingers brushed. "She's doing better. Decided to mend her broken heart over Dominic by hooking up with someone else."

Jack grinned but didn't make the joke that first entered his mind. She was watching him too closely, he realised uncomfortably, waiting to see his reaction.

Had she moved on herself…? Or did she think he…?

After an awkward pause, Sam turned to watch Cassandra and Daniel. "Did Teal'c and Cameron get held up?"

He nodded but kept watching her, studying her profile. "Something came up at the SGC. They said they'd be here a few hours late."

"Oh." Setting her glass on the bench, Sam crossed her arms. Then uncrossed her arms. Then crossed them again. She couldn't stand in the kitchen without remembering happier times, time when they were together. Like when he'd tried to teach her to cook – and had failed, gladly giving in to her attempts at distracting him. Like when she'd actually wanted to try and cook but the lesson had ended in a food fight that had quickly degenerated into something else entirely. "So how's DC?"

"It's good." He shrugged, swallowing a sigh at futileness of the situation. He wanted nothing more than to turn her around, wrap her up in his arms and kiss her until she'd forgotten they were no longer together. "As interesting as a desk job can be, I suppose."

She smiled at the dry tone of voice and turned her head slightly to look at him briefly. "Are they still talking about transferring you back here? General Landry made a comment about having to clear out some room to make some more office space."

"It's a possibility," he admitted, not wanting to tell her it was one he was pushing for in the hopes it would make her change her mind. "I should find out in a couple of weeks."

Her smile turned strained and her gaze flickered back to the teenager and the archaeologist. "That's about when I'll find out if I'm being transferred to the Pentagon or not."

"What? When did that happen?" Unable to help himself, Jack reached out for her and took her arm, pulling her around to face him. "When was that decided…?"

"It hasn't been decided," she replied with a one-shouldered shrug, uncrossing her arms so she could pick up the glass once again, giving her something to do with her hands other than using them to draw his face down to hers. "It was suggested a few weeks ago. There's apparently a position becoming available that the President decided would be good for me. I'll find out soon if I have to take it or not."

"'Have to'?" He quoted back at her, eyebrows raised. "You don't get a say in it…?"

Sam shrugged again and glanced down at his hand, at where his fingers were still curled around her elbow. "They asked if I'd mind being reassigned from the SGC again and I said no. Cameron's fighting them on it but the President seems to have made up his mind. I didn't think it'd be DC. I thought they were talking Nevada but never mind. I'll go where they tell me to go."

Jack nodded, expecting the answer. Although she had confided in him once, in the early days of their attempted relationship, that she was losing her enthusiasm for her chosen career, he knew she was Air Force through and through and would be until the end. It was in her blood as well as in her family. She would question the orders she was given but she would ultimately follow them.

The reassignment, however, would throw a definite spanner in his plans. It would be pointless him getting reassigned to Colorado Springs and the SGC if the person he had wanted to spend time with passed him in the air on her way to Washington DC.

"Daniel?" Cassandra's voice but Sam and Jack could both hear it over the quietly ticking clock in the kitchen.

"Yeah, Cass?"

"Will they ever get back together? They're so right for each other…"

Daniel signed loudly even as Jack mentally cheered the teenager on, glancing at Sam out of the corner of his eye. "It's complicated, Cassie."

Cassandra heaved a heavy, long-suffering sigh. "That's what Sam says. Something must've happened, something more than they're telling us. They're both miserable apart so…"

The door opened again and Cameron Mitchell called out a greeting even as Jack cursed the interruption silently. The conversation was just getting interesting, damn it. He knew there had to be more to the story than Sam had told him and he had hoped the teenager could have told him what that was.

He turned more fully to face Sam and opened his mouth – to ask her what, he wasn't entirely sure – but she brushed passed him, eyes lowered, and walked out of the kitchen to greet her fellow SG-1 teammates.

The moment was lost and not for the first time since their break up. Jack reluctantly followed, promising himself he would get his answers eventually. He just had to bide him time, give her space and hope it wasn't too long before the next opportunity arose.

* * *

Fate was conspiring against him and the opportunity didn't arise again. On a day that turned into a day of announcements, Jack found out his request for a transfer had been approved while Sam was called into General Landry's office and told that despite his best efforts and the contributions of her SG-1 teammates, the President had decided her expertise was required in Washington DC.

While they were trying to adjust to the news with their friends, General George Hammond added to the confusion with an announcement of his own: he was finally getting his wish and retiring with honours from the US Air Force.

General Hammond hosted his own retirement party, inviting a select few of the officers he'd served with over the years to his home in Colorado.

The party was at full swing by the time Jack, Daniel and Teal'c arrived at General Hammond's house. Cameron had chosen not to join them, deciding instead to stay at the SGC in case he was needed. He didn't know General Hammond as well as the original members of SG-1 and as he'd already said goodbye to Sam and wished her well, there was no real excuse to get him out of covering for other party attendees at the SGC.

General Hammond greeted them at the door, his grin wide and warm. There was a bottle of beer in his hand and Jack was convinced it wasn't the first the older General had opened.

"Come in, come in," General Hammond beamed and stepped aside. As Jack was the last one in, he had the fortune of being clapped on the back warmly after George shut the door behind them. "Help yourselves to drinks. Jack, I'll warn you now, my granddaughters are here and they were looking for you earlier."

Jack glanced around the room, hoping to see either Kayla or Tessa running towards him, offering him the perfect excuse not to mingle but was disappointed to find they were no where to be found.

"Louisa!" General Hammond spotted his daughter disappearing from the room and called her back. The tall, brunette walked towards them, the smile on her face polite but not as warm as Jack would have expected. "This is Jack O'Neill, I think Tessa and Kayla mentioned him?" General Hammond continued without waiting for her to answer. "They were waiting for her earlier, do you know where they are?"

Louisa paused in her scrutiny of the General beside her father to nod shortly, her expression suspicious. "They're outside with Sam," she replied, giving Jack a knowing look as she spoke. "They're not good with so many strange people, Dad, you know that. Especially not now…"

The troubled expression on his daughter's face momentarily caused George's smile to fade. "I know, honey, I know. Were you going out to join them?"

Louisa shook her head and motioned to the staircase behind them. "Sam said she'd keep them with her for a while. I was just going to lie down."

General Hammond nodded and moved to give her a quick hug before letting her go. With troubled eyes, he turned to Jack once his daughter was out of earshot. "She's getting divorced. Her husband was cheating on her." As Jack watched, the retired General lifted the bottle to his lips and finished it off. "It's why I'm retiring," he confided quietly. "Especially now Sam's going back to DC." General Hammond shook his head. "Did I ever tell you they're good friends? Colonel Carter and my daughter? Sam's the kids godmother, you know. She's been a Godsend recently, a real Godsend. I don't know what we'll do when she goes, I really don't."

Fortunately for Jack, another General, a man he didn't know personally but recognised from various award ceremonies and meetings, walked towards them and began a conversation with George.

Taking advantage of the situation, Jack smiled politely at the Air Force officials who looked his way and tried to spot Daniel and Teal'c in the crowd, shaking his head when he saw them engaged in an animated conversation with Sergeant Harriman – yet another officer who was definitely onto his fifth or sixth beer.

Quickly making his mind up, he stealthily crept away from the crowds and slipped out of the patio doors, breathing a sigh of relief at having escaped without needing to make small talk to anyone he should know but didn't recognise. Now all he had to do was find Carter and the girls and his afternoon would hopefully be a lot more enjoyable…

"Aunt Sam?"

"Yes, Sweetie?"

He grinned at the sound of the voices and started making his way around the house to the swinging seat on the porch, stopping abruptly as the conversation continued.

"Are you and my Mommy going to die?"

Sam paused in running her fingers through Kayla's hair and glanced at the little girl who'd asked the question, Tessa, with concern. "What makes you ask that? Your Mom's perfectly fine as far as I know."

Tessa shrugged her young shoulders and scuffed her feet on the ground. "She has a broken heart because Daddy left. My teacher says people with poorly hearts die because they can't live without a heart that works properly."

Her eyes slid shut against the sting of moisture and Sam inhaled slowly before taking the risk of meeting her goddaughter's gaze again. She did her best to smile reassuringly and felt Kayla cuddled further into her side. "Your Mom's not going to die, Tessa. Her heart's working just the way it should."

"But she said it was broken." Tessa frowned. "I heard you and Mommy talking and she said you had a broken heart, too. How can your hearts work if they're broken?"

Biting back a sigh, Sam reached out for the eldest of Louisa's two children and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, drawing both girls to her. "Our hearts aren't really broken, Tess. It just feels like it right now. You know your Mom really loved your Dad, don't you?"

"Yes. But he doesn't love us anymore so he's gone to be with someone else he does love."

Not for the first time, Sam found herself cursing her friend's soon-to-be ex-husband – and wondering if all relationships and all marriages were destined to end badly when one half of the couple got bored and found someone else. "Your Mom's just hurting a lot right now, like you and Kayla are. When she said she had a broken heart, she didn't mean it was actually broken. It's just that it hurts so much right now she feels like it is."

Tessa nodded but it was clear from the expression on her face that the young girl didn't completely understand. Sam hoped it would be a long, long time before she did.

After a few moments of silence, Sam started to relax, believing the conversation to be over but the youngest of Louisa's children had been listening and had some questions of her own.

"Aunt Sam?"

"Yes, Kayla?"

"Who broke your heart?"

His heart pounded in his chest and his mind urged him to stay but he couldn't. Jack turned on his heel and walked across the grass back in the direction he'd come from. He didn't want to know. 

Since Sam had been the one to end their relationship two months ago, she couldn't be referring to him. He hadn't broken her heart after all – she'd broken his. That only left one other possibility, a conclusion he reached with painful clarity.

There was someone else.

He passed Louisa but couldn't even manage a small smile, heading straight for the table designated as the bar area inside.

He needed a drink.

Several of them.

* * *

Louisa put on a brave face for her daughters and greeted them smiling, the expression fading quickly at the three serious expressions staring back at her. She barely had time to steady herself before both of her daughters threw themselves at her, clinging to her as though they expected her to disappear. "Did I miss something?" She asked Sam over their heads, eyebrows raising.

"I was just explaining to the girls that you're not going to die of a broken heart anytime soon." Sam's smile was thin at best. "Seems Tessa's teacher told her people with broken hearts usually die."

"Oh. Oh." The colour draining from her face, Louisa knelt down and held both of her children to her. "Tessa, sweetheart." She blinked furiously and kissed first her eldest daughter's forehead, then her youngest. "Oh, babies. I'm not going anywhere, okay? Ever. You guys are stuck with me for a very, very long time."

After a long embrace with their mother, Tessa and Kayla remembered that they'd been waiting for another one of their favourite people to arrive and left the two women alone, their fears gone.

"I hope General O'Neill is prepared for them," Louisa commented softly, taking her place beside Sam on the swinging seat. "He looked ill when I passed him before."

"He did?" Sam forced herself to reign in her concern and quashed the urge to follow her goddaughters to check on her former lover. "Well, I'm sure the others will take care of him. He's probably just missing DC already."

"You mean he's missing her already," Louisa corrected, studying her friend's reaction. When Sam lowered her gaze, Louisa sighed and nudged her in the side. "Are you absolutely sure he's involved with someone else? He just doesn't look like the type."

"Your husband didn't look like the type either," Sam shot back, the pain in her voice taking the edge from her words. "It just happens, Lou. It's how relationships end. In death or betrayal."

Louisa wished she had evidence she could use to dissuade her cynical friend but she didn't. "But he didn't betray you that you know of. You just heard someone's voice in the background. Maybe it was innocent."

"And maybe he decided I wasn't the perfect partner because I wasn't prepared to give up my career to follow him to DC. Maybe he got tired of having to fly back to Colorado every time he wanted someone to warm his bed and decided to take advantage of having his ex-girlfriend living in the same city." She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the trees at the bottom of the garden as though they were responsible for the aching inside. "Have you ever known me to have a relationship that didn't end badly, Louisa?"

"No." It took several minutes for Louisa to admit Sam was right. "But," she added with a knowing look at her friend, "I've never known you to end a relationship so quickly based on so little information before, either. You must really like this guy."

Sam frowned. "How do you work that out? I ended the relationship and you think that means I really like him?" She wasn't about to admit that her friend was right – and she wasn't about to correct her that she more than liked the man in question.

"You ended it so you wouldn't get hurt," Louisa answered matter-of-factly, warming to the subject. It was the first time in a long time her own failed relationship wasn't the topic of conversation and it was a good feeling. "You liked him so much you knew it would hurt so much more if you got any closer to him so you ended it. You took the easy way out."

Shaking her head, Sam uncrossed her arms and then crossed them again. She started tapping her foot on the ground in an unconscious gesture of agitation and opened her mouth to protest but found herself closing it again when the words she wanted so much to say wouldn't come to her. "Right. Fine. You're right." She scowled as Louisa grinned beside her. "But you're wrong on part of it. It couldn't possibly hurt more than it does now, Lou. I couldn't have got any closer to him than I already was."

"But you could have let him get closer to you," Louisa said softly, shifting to wrap an arm around the blond woman's shoulders. "I've known you for a long time, Samantha Carter. You love easily but you find it hard to accept it when other people love you."

A while later, in a small voice, Sam asked the question she'd been asking herself for two months. "So you think I should give him another chance?"

Beside her, Louisa shrugged. "I can't answer that, Sam. Only you know if you're ready to give him a fair chance."

They sat in silence for a long time, listening to the sounds of grown up laughter and children's squeals coming from inside the house. Her mind almost made up, Sam straightened in her seat, mentally preparing herself for the conversation ahead, jumping when her cell phone started to ring.

* * *

It was an hour later when Jack had decided he'd consumed enough alcohol to brave asking Sam how her love life was going – in a slightly subtler way that than. He hoped. He was side-tracked several times by well-meaning officials, all wanting to know how he felt about the current political situation. By the time he made it outside, his bravado was gone and his palms were sweating.

Keeping his head down, wiping his hands on his pants, he walked towards the porch swing, stopping when he only saw General Hammond's daughter.

"General O'Neill!" She called out to him before he could turn away. "Can I help you with something? You look a little lost," she added with a small smile, probably when he grimaced.

"Just looking for Carter," he mumbled, rolling his eyes at himself. He felt like a teenager again, trying to work up to asking the girl he liked best friend to put in a good word for him. "Must've missed her go in."

"She didn't go in," Louisa corrected, smiling again when he looked up at her in surprise. "Sam got a call from DC. She slipped out about half an hour ago to catch a red eye."

"Damn it."

Her grin broadened and Louisa patted the seat next to her. "Come and sit down, General. I have a few questions you need to answer before I decide whether to help you out."

"How can you help me out?" Jack stared at her sceptically but still did as she asked and sat down. There was something in her voice, the same note of command General Hammond had used time and time again that he was unable to refuse. After sitting beside her for several moments, he swallowed and glanced at her. "You know, don't you?"

"About you and Sam?" Louisa inclined her head and shrugged. "She's one of my closest friends, General. My closest friend," she added softly, "in recent times. She's been looking out for me so it's only fair I do the same for her."

Jack caught himself before he could nod, narrowing his eyes and turning to face her more fully. "If you know about me and Carter, you'll know she's the one who ended it and from the sounds of it had no trouble moving on."

Her eyebrows shot up in surprise but he wasn't sure if it was because she hadn't known the truth about the break up or that the news of Sam moving on was shocked her as much as it had him.

"Did she tell you she ended it or am I the bad guy?"

"She told me she ended it," Louisa murmured, studying him quizzically. "She also told me why she ended it. She hasn't mentioned anything about moving on, General, and that's because she hasn't. She's still as crazy about you now as she was then. Why, I can't say. My father always said there was a connection between the two of you, and between the team you work with, but he could never answer why. He always said it was classified. I didn't believe him until Sam gave me the same answer."

He opened his mouth to ask how she could have a broken heart if she hadn't moved on but closed it on realising that would give the game away regarding his eavesdropping on Carter's earlier conversation. "She gave you a reason for why she broke up with me?" He asked eventually. "Was it the same excuse she gave me?"

"The 'it's for the best, I don't want to loose your friendship' line?" Louisa laughed at the expression on his face. "Yes, she fed me that line, too. But I know her well enough to know the truth when I see it. But before I tell you that…" She shrugged and looked away. "I need to know you're not going to hurt her again if I help you convince her to give you another chance."

"I didn't hurt her in the first place. She hurt me." He ran a hand through his hair in frustration and then let his head fall back against the chair, his mind spinning. "I would never hurt Carter. You can ask your dad that, too."

"You already have hurt her, Jack – can I call you Jack?" She shook her head and continued when he shrugged despondently. "The weekend before she broke up with you, the one where you called to say you wouldn't be able to make it to Colorado because you were too tired." She watched him watching her, arching an eyebrow when his expression remained blank. "Think back. Were you alone when you made that phone call, Jack? Were you at home?"

Jack frowned. He couldn't remember much about the phone call other than hearing his disappointment echoed in her voice when he'd had to break their plans. He had planned to catch a last minute flight to Colorado but then there'd been a knock on his office door just before he could shut down his computer for the day and…

"Kerry was there." He sat up a little bit straighter. "I was at work, just about to leave, when Kerry and Davis arrived to ask for my help with – with something classified. What does that have to do with Carter breaking up with me?"

"Kerry would be your ex, right, Jack?" Louisa stared at him appraisingly. "Your ex-girlfriend who lives in DC. What would you reaction be if you called Sam and heard her ex-fiancé's voice in the background? What would you think?"

He looked confused for several moments before what she was implying sunk in. Louisa stifled a chuckle when he almost fell off the seat, schooling her expression to hide her amusement as he stood and stared at her.

"Carter thinks I cancelled on her to spend the weekend with Kerry?"

Louisa nodded.

"That's bullshit. I would never do that and she knows that."

"Does she?" Her amusement faded and Louisa found herself wondering just how much the man standing in front of her knew about her friend's past experiences with men. "It wouldn't be the first time someone who said he was in love with her cheated on her, Jack. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened to Sam and we both know it happens. Hell, I didn't think my husband was the type, I never thought he'd cheat on me but sure enough, that's what he did. And no, before you say it, I didn't imagine it or jump to conclusions like Sam might have done. I found my husband in bed with his mistress and I'm not helping you get back together with Sam if I think there's even the smallest chance she'd be faced with the same thing."

The anger from his expression faded and his shoulders slumped as he retook his seat. "I would never do that to her. I'd like to think she trusts me enough to know that but obviously.."

"She trusts you, Jack, she just doesn't trust herself where relationships are concerned." Almost hesitantly, Louisa reached out to touch his arm. "You know about Jonas Hanson, I presume? Probably the basics." She sighed and glanced away again. "He liked to play mind games. He would tell her he needed her, loved her, couldn't live without her – wouldn't live without her. Every time she said she'd had enough and threatened to leave him, he would tell her she couldn't because he'd kill himself if she dared. Then after they got engaged, Sam went home early after a meeting at the Pentagon and found him in bed with one of the Lieutenant's under his command. It was the betrayal that made her see what the rest of us had been trying to tell her for years and she left him. Not without him trying to convince her to stay and giving her a black eye in the process but she left him."

She paused to study his reaction, seeing from his expression that at least half of what she'd told him had come as a surprise.

"It's why she's not exactly her usual confident self when it comes to relationships. Yes, she had a good attempt with Pete and he was lovely and kind and it did her the world of good as far as her self-esteem is concerned but that ended, too, remember. It ended because although she loved him, she didn't care for him as much as she cares for you. That means he couldn't hurt her as much as you can."

"I won't hurt her at all if I can help it."

The sincerity in his voice made Louisa smile in spite of herself. She patted his arm and smiled warmly when he looked up. "There's still hope for you yet. She was just about to come and find you to talk about maybe giving things another chance when she was called to DC." A sly expression took hold of her features and her eyes lit up. "I don't suppose you could've maybe forgotten something urgent that needs your personal attention, could you?"

Jack returned her grin with one of his own, hope replacing the dull ache in his chest. "I might be able to arrange something."

"Good." Louisa pushed herself to her feet, satisfying herself with one hopeful happy ending even it wasn't for her. "She's staying at the Radisson until she finds a place of her own. Go talk to her. Listen to her. And if you guys do eventually somehow make it to the altar, don't forget who you've got to thank, okay?"

He mimicked her actions and stood, throwing her another grin over his shoulder as he strode determinedly towards the house. "Don't worry, we won't!"

He gave General Hammond his apologies for leaving the party early – not that he thought the older man would remember them come morning but it paid to be polite – and made an excuse to Daniel and Teal'c, watching them share a knowing glance over his shoulder.

The good thing about being a general, he decided, was that he didn't have to report to any one else. He wasn't due to start work in his new office within the SGC until the following Monday and if he decided to leave the state for a few days until then, there was no one he had to tell. He did, however, call General Landry from the airport and explain that he'd be out of town for a few days and had the distinct feeling the CO of the SGC had his own suspicions about the sudden need to return to DC but he didn't care.

He had a mission and was determined it would have the best possible outcome in as little time as necessary.

* * *

"Why am I involved in this?" Sam quietly asked the question to Major Paul Davis, watching him shrug. His eyes, she noticed, were glued on the CIA Agent briefing the small group made up of military officers and agents from various government agencies.

"You're one of our resident experts," Major Davis answered just as quietly. "We suspect the bomb may have some components that are other-worldly so to speak and since half of the people in this room don't have the clearance they need, Agent Johnson suggested we call you in." He caught sight of the confusion on her face out of the corner of his eye. "There was a break in at Area 51 a few weeks ago.

Sam tugged on the bulletproof vest she'd slipped on prior to attending the briefing, wondering for the first time why she'd been ordered to wear one. A bulletproof vest wasn't going to help much if she found herself faced with a bomb she had no idea how to disable. "The only bombs I've helped disarm were ones where I had the chance to study their design. I really don't think I'm the best person to do this."

Major Davis gave her a look that said he believed otherwise but remained silent. Sam crossed her arms over her chest and returned her attention to the front of the room, doing her best to keep from glaring at the woman wrapping up the debriefing.

Agent Kerry Johnson caught her eye briefly and smiled but Sam's expression remained professional. "Anyone have any questions?"

'None I can ask in front of an audience,' Sam thought bitterly.

"Good. We'll split up and search the building in six teams of two. If you get separated from your partner, radio into command and give the last location you sighted them. We don't believe there'll be any resistance but just in case, stick together. I'd like to remind you that we're up against the clock. We've been given a deadline of two hours to find and disarm three bombs in the museum. That's not long."

Sam refrained from commenting and waited with the others for the list of teams to be called out. She tapped her fingers against her arm in agitation as one by one, all of the agents and officers around her partnered up and left to drive the short distance away to the building in question. Major Davis, she noted with a surge of disappointment, was going to remain behind in the command centre.

She blinked when the last team was called out.

Agent Kerry Johnson and Colonel Sam Carter.

Still, she forced herself to match the other woman's smile with a polite one of her own and followed her 'partner' out of the door, hoping the next two hours of her life would be the quickest she'd ever known.

* * *

He arrived at the Pentagon and heard about the bomb disposal mission. Ten minutes later, he jumped out of the taxi, a sense of dread like the one he felt whenever SG-1 left on a mission without him building up inside him. He reached the command room of the operation only to have Major Davis tell him apologetically that he'd missed Colonel Carter by half an hour but he could hang around if he wanted because all of the involved personnel would be returning for a debrief after the mission.

"Who's Carter teamed up with?" Jack asked, wanting to make sure she was with someone he knew, someone he trusted to watch her back.

"Agent Johnson," Major Davis answered distractedly. "Kerry thought it'd be best that the two of them work together since they're two of the few people involved who know what they're looking for."

"What they're looking for?" Jack felt numb.

"We believe the bombs we're searching for are related to the break-in at Area 51, the one we involved you in, General?" Davis didn't wait for a response. "We think some of the components may be made up of alien technology."

Jack put his hand over the file Davis was studying to get the man's full attention, his eyes hard. "Are you telling me you sent Carter out there to disarm three bombs unlike anything she's ever seen before after one briefing on the subject?"

Major Davis straightened. "It's not like we had any choice, Sir. Colonel Carter is the nearest thing we have to an expert.." His voice trailed off as Jack glared at him and he swallowed. Hard.

"You better hope she is," Jack murmured in a low, dangerous tone of voice several tense moments later. "Because if anything happens to her.."

He stalked off, letting the threat hang in the air between them, praying that the hollow feeling in his gut was just a sign of his unease and not something more instinctual.

* * *

When news reached them that two of the bombs had been found and both disarmed, Sam and Kerry breathed identical sighs of relief but still didn't speak. They hadn't spoken a word since accepting their assignment of searching the basement of the museum.

"So." Kerry's voice echoed in the vast room and she stifled a shiver. Sam didn't look up from the area of the room she was expecting. "I'm sorry about your father. I didn't get a chance to say.."

"That's okay. Thanks."

"Okay." Sighing, Kerry stared at the blond Colonel's back for a few moments. "Did I do something to upset or offend you, Colonel Carter?"

Sam looked up then, her expression showing her disbelief before it was replaced with a professional mask. "It's irrelevant to the matter at hand, Agent Johnson. Let's just find the third bomb and get out of here."

Kerry shrugged and followed her, staying quiet until a few minutes had passed. She searched her mind and tried to come up with a reason for why the other woman could be angry with her, unsurprised when all of her thoughts circled back to the same thing. "Is this about Jack?"

A soft snort was the only response but Kerry caught a glimpse of a pained expression.

"It can't be because we were seeing each other, you were engaged at the time and have no right to be angry for that," she thought aloud. "Is it because he missed his flight a few weeks ago? When Paul and I went to him about the break in at Area 51?"

Sam stopped so abruptly Kerry almost crashed into her. "Major Davis was there?"

"Yes. We both were." Kerry frowned, unsure why the colour had drained from the other woman's face. "Didn't Jack tell you about it?"

"No." Turning away from the CIA Agent, Sam did her best to force the guilt rising inside her back down. He didn't tell her and he should have. Really. "It doesn't matter now. Let's just get this.."

Her voice trailed off as the alarm on Kerry's watch beeped.

Time was up.

Slowly, holding her breath, she turned back to face Kerry, her expression troubled.

"Where did they think the third.."

There was a loud explosion from a room somewhere on the same level, followed by a wave of heat and an ominous rumbling sound. Both women started to run, unsure where they were going. They made it to the stairs, then to the doorway leading to the ground floor of the building.

Kerry was halfway to the exit when she heard one of her fellow agents shout out to her above the sound of bricks and mortar tumbling to the ground.

"Agent Johnson, is Colonel Carter not with you?"

She glanced back over her shoulder, willing her body to stop but her legs kept moving, her survival instinct kicking in.

"She was right behind me," she called back, not liking the desperation in her voice. "I swear, she was right there..."

She managed to stop herself and prepared to run back in the direction she'd come from when a body blocked her way, a member of the emergency back up team who'd been on standby outside.

"We'll find her," the man said, his words muffled behind his mask. "Go."

She did as she was ordered, soot and smoke blinding and choking her, and made it outside to see Major Davis and Jack pull up outside of the cordoned off area. Her mind barely registered the fact that Jack shouldn't be there as she sank gratefully into Paul's open arms.

"Where's Carter?" Jack demanded, stopped from grabbing her shoulders and shaking her only by the fact Major Davis was in the way. "Kerry, where's Sam?"

"I don't know," she managed to choke out, her eyes stinging with dust from the explosion. "She was right behind me one minute, then gone the next. I don't know where she is, Jack. I really don't know."

* * *

She was found by the back up team ten minutes later and carried out on a stretcher. Jack climbed into the back of the ambulance with her, the look on his face scaring even the bravest of paramedics away and held onto her limp hand.

She didn't stir.

".. lost a lot of blood.."

"..injuries to her legs.. severe.."

".. prep for surgery.."

He held on until they reached the medical centre, until she was whisked away from him by a group of professionals decked out in medical scrubs and white jackets.

Two hours and three phone calls to various friends later, the head surgeon appeared in front of him in the hallway, his expression grim.

"General O'Neill, the Nurse tells me you're listed as Colonel Carter's next of kin?"

Jack could only nod.

"It was touch and go for a while.. almost lost her.. damage to the muscle.. fractured bone.. unusual angle.. irreparable at this time.. multiple operations.."

Jack blinked when the doctor stopped speaking and looked up to find the white haired man staring at him expectantly. "Can she walk?"

To his relief, the doctor nodded despite the grim expression on his face. "We have every confidence that she will be able to walk in time."

"What about her career? In the Air Force?" Jack ran a hand through hair that already stood up in all directions, the result of too many minutes left waiting without news. "Is she going to be fit for duty?"

The doctor didn't nod this time. Instead he shook his head, his eyes apologetic. "It is highly unlikely that Colonel Carter will be deemed fit for active duty. I think you should prepare yourself, General, to support her wherever necessary after she's medically retired."

A wave of anger washed over him and it was all he could do not to punch the wall he was standing beside. "Isn't there anything you can do? Some operation or something?"

"There are several options I will discuss with Colonel Carter when she comes around," the Doctor admitted quietly. "But none I can commit to. It won't be easy, General. If Colonel Carter opts to try and regain her active status, it will be a slow and painful recovery with several minor operations."

It was clear from the way he spoke that the doctor wasn't prepared to say more without his patient present. Jack gave a nod of acknowledgment and followed the nurse who had arrived to lead him to Sam's room.

Whatever Sam decided, he would be there. He promised it to both her sleeping form and himself. He wouldn't let her push him away again.

* * *

She woke up to several bunches of flowers and an otherwise empty room. Sam frowned, convinced she hadn't dreamt having Jack there beside her, convinced she had really heard his voice, and Cassandra's, when she had last resurfaced for a few fleeting seconds.

Her legs hurt. She sat up as much as she could, grimacing, and pulled on the sheets covering her until she could see her feet. Concentrating, she tried to wiggle her toes, relaxing when they moved at her command.

At least she could still feel them and control them – to a certain extent.

She lay back and tried to remember what she'd been told during her highly medicated state. The bomb had gone off, the building had collapsed. She'd been found trapped under part of a wall. Her legs were hurt, badly. Her eyes closed as she remembered the doctor's grim predictions. She would be able to walk but her career was over – at least for the foreseeable future.

There were options, she vaguely remembered someone – Jack? – telling her about them while holding her hand reassuringly.

She could accept medical retirement from the Air Force but didn't like that idea so forgot about it immediately. She could accept a desk job – lab job, in her case – and forget about ever being on active duty again which was an option she would accept if absolutely necessary. Or she could undergo several operations over the course of eighteen months and hope by the end of it whatever damage had been caused could be righted enough for her to achieve active duty again.

She opened her eyes and reached her hand towards the nearest bunch of flowers, picking one of the flowers from the arrangement distractedly. She didn't notice the orange bloom to the petals but mindlessly plucked them from the flower head, rethinking her options.

"Does he love you, then?"

Cassandra's voice startled her and Sam looked up from picking the petals from the flower to find the teenager beaming at her. "What?"

"The flower. Petals." Cassandra motioned to it with her head but her grin faded. "Aren't you doing the 'he loves me, he loves me not' thing?"

"No." The flower fell from her fingertips and Sam closed her eyes. "There's no point, Cass. I already know how that one ends."

"Oh. Well." The teenager sounded confused. "I better go tell Jack you're awake. He wanted to be here."

"Cass," Sam started, opening her eyes to find the teenager was gone. "Damn it."

She thought about closing her eyes again and feigning sleep but the door opened before she could and she found herself staring at Jack. Sam did her best to smile but the attempt fell flat, the tension in her rising as he closed the door behind him and walked towards the bed. She tried to sit up but found she was lacking the strength.

"Here, let me help." Jack busied himself with getting her comfortable before taking a step back and putting his hands in his pockets. "So. How you feeling?"

She shrugged despondently. "As well as can be expected, I suppose." When he didn't say anything else, Sam closed her eyes and sighed softly. "I.. I owe you an apology."

"For thinking I was cheating on you with Kerry? Apology accepted, on the condition you never think anything so stupid again. Honestly, Carter, you're supposed to be the smart one. What chance have we got if you start acting dumb, too?" He would have laughed at the astonishment on her face if his palms hadn't been sweating so much. "I spoke to Louisa," he clarified. "Nice lady, her husband is a real idiot."

Sam gazed at him, her fingers searching for the flower she'd dropped. "I don't know what else to say. I was stupid, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you and I'm sorry I didn't trust you."

"Me too." Jack nodded and shrugged. He moved to sit on the edge of her bed, ignoring her startled glance. "So we've got a decision to make. Well, you've got a decision to make." He took the mangled flower out of her hand and twirled the stalk in his fingers. He felt her expectant gaze but purposely dragged the moment out for a little longer, using the time to give himself a short mental pep talk. "DC or Colorado? Where'd you want to start the recovery program?"

She opened her mouth but closed it again, settling for throwing a quizzical look in his direction.

"I've talked to Doc Lam at the SGC and she said she'll gladly take over your treatment if you want to be transferred back to the Springs. Or we could stick around here and continue with Doctor whats-his-name. It's completely up to you. They both sound like they know what they're talking about and I was assured the powers that be would make sure the best physiotherapists are available – at their expense – wherever you choose to be so it's really a matter of where you want us to set up home. Colorado or DC?"

"We? Us?" Her eyes narrowed and Sam stared at him. "You have to go back to Colorado, you just got your transfer..."

"I got the transfer to be near you. Which didn't work, 'cause you transferred out – I'm trying my best not to take that personally, Carter – but I'm easy." He shrugged casually, belaying the anxiety in his stomach. "I can work from anywhere. Just let me know where we're going and I'll make the necessary arrangements."

"Why?"

"Why what?" The confusion in her voice was genuine and as much as he hated it and wanted to talk to her about it, Jack decided it wasn't the right time and thought it would be a safer option to just play dumb. "Why Colorado or DC? It doesn't have to be either of them, I just thought you'd be happier.."

"No, Jack, why are you doing this?" Sam reached out for the flower but changed her mind, letting her fingers touch his briefly. "We're not together anymore. Why are you prepared to do this?"

'For me?'

There were a number of answers he could give her. A number of reasons, followed by a number of reprimands because she should have known the answer to the question without asking.

Jack decided on none of them.

Instead, he leaned forward, lifting a hand to her face to touch her cheek as he kissed her softly, tenderly, drawing back only when she sighed and relaxed into the kiss.

"Because I love you," he answered in a murmur. "Because I always will. Please don't ask me to just be your friend, Sam, because I can't do that. I can't go back. I love you, you love me. It's all or it's nothing."

Her gaze fell and Jack felt his heart sink until her eyes locked on his again. "I... You know I'll try and push you away again. I'll try not to but I probably will."

"I won't let you."

"I'll probably say something horrible, something I don't really mean," she warned, her fingers wrapping around his tightly.

"I'll invest in some ear plugs."

A small glimmer of a smile tickled the corners of her mouth. "What if I throw something at you? When I'm stronger?"

"I'll duck out of the way." Jack grinned, the knot in his stomach easing, and reached up to touch her face again, catching the single drop of moisture with his thumb. "And if I don't duck in time, you can kiss it better."

She nodded wordlessly, moving into his arms, burying her head in the crook of his neck. "I love you," she breathed against his neck. "No matter what I say or do."

"I know."

* * *

The End.  
Not too cringeworthy, I hope :) 


End file.
